Get Yourself A Puppy

Do you hate having undamaged furniture? Are you tired of not spending an egregious amount of money? Then unbuckle your bank account and get yourself a dog. No, not just any dog: a puppy!

If you want to get your hands on a fresh new pup, you better get ready searching now, because these things are selling out, whether on a farm or in an unmarked, windowless van. Not even two days after a new litter has been posted on whatever local adaptation of craigslist you’re using, the whole gang will be sold already. If you don’t have a down payment at the ready then you can forget about it. No, you’re not buying real estate, this is for a small animal that you will have to take care of. I know, right?

You think only car mechanics screw you like a humping pooch with their overcharges? Think again! The “D” in “dog” stands for “debt” and that rhymes with “vet”. The medical bills in the first 6 months will be outrageous and make you question why you want to keep this little shit alive in the first place. It sure doesn’t seem like they want to live since they try to eat everything that can potentially kill them.

Puppies are cute to look at, but if that’s all you need than you can browse the internet for free. This is about more than a quick fix of endorphins. It’s about starting an adorable Instagram account with more followers than your personal picture album could ever dream of. People don’t give a shit about you, but they will love your new little angel.

Tired of looking like an ordinary and uninteresting nobody? Your puppy got you covered! With its state of the art razor sharp baby teeth it will provide you with cool new scars to show off. Now you got some stories to tell that people might actually listen to.

What’s that? You’re still boring? Give your pupper a name that will raise all sorts of questions. You can have an exciting backstory without having to live through something spectacular first.

If you can’t afford a new puppy, use a recycled one! Thrift-dogs are available at shelters all around the world. These facilities are overstocked with puppers and they still won’t give them away without charging you for it. Also, don’t think you can give a sad, lonely dog that’s rotting in a cage a new home before the shelter inspects every inch of your life to make sure your ass is suitable for them. Because no matter how desperate they seem on their ads, shelters love to play hard to get when someone is interested.

So get out there and get yourself a puppy now! Who knows, maybe your efforts of keeping it alive will bear fruit when it eventually dies in a decade anyway.

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