Success thanks to Mighty Lucrative Moneymaking

Do you want to be your own boss but even you wouldn’t hire yourself? Are you seeking success but don’t have any skills or knowledge to start with? Are you easy to manipulate? Great, because you look like someone who would be perfect to sign up for your very own Multi-Level-Marketing scheme!

Wait, no, not scheme. It’s a business. Sure, MLM’s were previously known as “Pyramid schemes” and had to rebrand themselves because people got wise about pyramids being three dimensional. But when the cardboard-cut-out promise of success was knocked over by a light breeze of critical thinking, the jig was up and the con was gone.

And now we’re back and, boy, do we have the offer of a lifetime for you! That’s right, MLM’s are definitely not the kind of scam that forces you to buy a license to sell a product but only makes you money if you sell other licenses to more people rather than selling the product itself, while you will never make as much money as the person that sold you the license in the first place, or even the very first person that is sitting at the top of this pyramid multi-level company.

No, MLM’s are a new and innovative idea to sell fantastic products to unwilling customers. In order to do so, we need people to become our licenced salespersons to reach millions of potential customers across the globe, or if that doesn’t work, just a handful of your friends that are willing to convert pity into currency. To obtain this license, all you need to do is sign up and pay a small fee, then the money making can begin.

If you find yourself struggling with getting enough customers, offer them a way to save more money on the product by signing up as a licenced salesperson themselves. You will receive compensation for recruiting another salesperson and, on top of that, a percentage of your new recruit’s commission. And don’t worry about whether the same thing had been done to you and might be the reason for your inability to become financially independent from this organization. Doesn’t all that sound like you are the boss of your own company, who gets paid for other peoples’ work? Yes? Good, cause that’s not how real companies work, but you will never find out because your ass is stuck in the never ending nightmare of living just barely above the poverty line.

Still suspicious? Why would you be? Is it because every single person who tried to reel you into an MLM campaign was working at least two other jobs to make ends meet and did not appear to be the successful millionaires that they advertised to be? Look, just because five guys from that Ukrainian soccer group that you joined, who forced you to awkwardly watch video presentations of this amazing new opportunity, don’t look like Wall-Street business guru’s and all live in the same two-bedroom apartment, doesn’t mean this is not legit.

Multi-Level-Marketing goes way back and has a rich history in making people like you rich. So why question it? Indeed, this business model has its root in ancient Egypt where the founder of the system recruited a large number of entrepreneurs to create his very own Toblerone franchise.

Oh, franchise, that’s a good one. Do you like that one better?

Hang on, I’ll get my notes. Yeah, I got a franchise, too. I need it to pay off my debt from that unfinished business degree from ten years ago. It’s a restaurant and, honestly, it costs me more than it makes right now, but you know what they say: you need to spend money to make rich people more money.

Ah, goddamn. All I have in my wet cardboard briefcase are notes on how to get a million followers on your blog.

You got a blog? Ok, so here’s what you need to do: Pay me money upfront to find out.

And ignore all the other successful bloggers that say THEY have the ONE method to get more followers, because this here is the only legit way. So pay me now, and we’ll see if it worked out for you in five years or so.

 

Ha! Now THAT is what a successful businessman calls a done deal. If you’ll excuse me, I have to work another graveyard shift at Wal-Mart.

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3 Comments »

  1. Love this! What a funny take on these awesome options for working. I do actually know a few people who market one of these and it might well have changed themselves, body shape wise but the guy still does 2 other jobs like you say. I think if they had defined areas to work in etc and a limited number of people they could work but too many people seem involved in lots of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the way you inject humour into what you write. It’s good to wake people up to these schemes though! It’s crazy how many people from my past I see on Facebook now trying to sell some sort of supplement. They are never gonna win.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I don’t even have the patience to listen to people anymore as soon as they describe the “opportunity” they have for me.
      BTW, the thing about the Ukranians actually happened to me 😁

      Like

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