Top Ten NEW Commandments

Are you trying your best to live your life according to rules from over two thousand years ago, but can’t seem to find enough applications for them to justify your lifestyle? Are you wondering whether the Ten Commandments are in dire need of a fresh new update to fit into the modern world? Wonder no more, because we got the Top Ten list of New Commandments ready to be etched in stone. Follow these rules for a chance to enter Heaven 2.0

#1 – You shall not force yourself to only like one sports team, one brand, one song, or any other thing that has multiple different iterations

The original said something along the lines of “I’m the only God and you better not be looking over there at Vishnu, because even my sick beard can’t hide my jealous scowl in view of those thousand arms”. Now, since back in those days there have been a lot of new religions invented besides Christianity, all of which wanted a piece of that sweet afterlife monetization. So you can’t really apply the first commandment any more. It’s time for change, especially since religion isn’t the highest grossing market out there anymore. Pretty sure Coca Cola got them beat.

Just as you shouldn’t assume there is only one option for religion, you shouldn’t force yourself to think you can only follow one social media celebrity, listen to the jokes of only one comedian, and read the books of only one author. There are plenty of people to look up to, and the more you choose, the better your chances for having a back-up once one of them inevitably gets tangled in a sex scandal or exposed for a racist tweet from five years ago. Don’t be stingy with your social media likes and pick multiple favourites.

#2 – You shall not obsess over one brand or merchandise and defend it to the death

This kind of syncs up to the previous one, but so did the original second commandment that roughly translated to “don’t worship merchandise of other Gods”. God sure didn’t want you to browse your options back then and emphasized his first two rules “Fight Club” style.

If you take what you learned from the first new commandment, that you shouldn’t feel forced to only root for your hometown’s junior hockey team, you can easily apply the second and not cling to one brand and defend them with your dear life. You see, brands and for-profit companies aren’t marketing to your demographic because they care about your well-being; they don’t give a shit what you think. It’s your money that they care about, yes all of it, and they don’t want to share your dollars, pesos, euros, or bitcoin with anyone else. One such example would be the console wars, where gamers fight in the trenches, screaming at their opponents that their overpriced toy was way more worth the money than the other overpriced toy. Likewise, this applies to people arguing which clothing brand has the trendier child labour factory. There is no point in it other than provide free publicity for the companies, so don’t trap yourself in one brand-corner and explore the many different overpowered manufacturers that control your democracy instead.

#3 – You shall not plagiarize

In the originals, after God was done insisting on you to not even think about other religions, he came around to talk about an entirely different topic than himself.

Nah, just kidding, the third one demanded that you “don’t use God’s name to curse when you stub your toe on your neighbours sheep” or something like that. Which sounds a lot like God had wanted his name protected under copyright and trademark law way before that was a thing. Unfortunately for him, saying “Jesus Fucking Christ” falls under fair use in modern times, so we have to come up with a new commandment.

Well, then how about “don’t claim other people’s work as your own”. Just like God who wanted his gig to be a monopoly in the world and couldn’t stand the existence of fanfics like “Scientology”, you should respect that sometimes other people have better ideas than you, which aren’t there for you to take and pretend they were yours, even after you changed the words a bit. After all, it will bite you in the ass once a few dedicated internet connoisseurs give you the old Thomas Edison treatment and expose you for all the dirty lies about your achievements. No one will ever believe you to be the creator of something original anymore. So stick to your own ideas, and if you can’t come up with any, start a religion.

#4 – You shall not work yourself to death

What’s worse than being dead? Being dead without having enjoyed a single day in your life. Just like the original that said you “better not move a fucking muscle on Sunday”, this updated commandment enforces the idea that you need a day to chillax. However noble the thought “don’t do anything that could be considered work or a chore” is, it is a bit outdated. It’s fine to go and do stuff, as long as you have fun. Treat yourself. Go frolic with your friends, party with the peeps, relax with the relatives, kickback with the kids (only if they are yours), or just stay in and order a bunch of Chinese food. Anything that makes your day great and doesn’t involve working, thinking about work, or planning to work the next day. While this seems like common knowledge to some, a lot of people can’t comprehend taking a day off. These people will work themselves into a burnout mode where they start complaining about it and the rest of us then have to deal with it. Save us all the trouble of listening to you whine by following this new commandment. After all, as long as it’s written down in connection to the Bible, it becomes universal law.

#5 – You shall not believe everything your elders say

“Don’t dis your parents”, said the original fifth. Although, like all the fucked up fairy tales of mutilated or murdered children, we now know as adults that this was made up by parents to avoid dealing with their kids’ attitude. But here’s something no one tells kids ever: Parents are people, and people are generally wrong.

Alright, chances are if you don’t want to listen to your parents it’s because you’re a foul-mouthed 16-year-old who thinks the world revolves around you. This doesn’t apply to you.

Usually parents have their children’s well-being in mind, mainly due to the high costs to replace them should anything go wrong. But many times their methods are as outdated as a previous generations’ iPhone charger. Parents don’t always do their research before shouting warnings at their children. No parent in the world read scientific papers about the effects of TV on human eyes before telling their kids not to sit too close to the screen. Never in the history of parenthood did a child receive a thorough power point presentation explaining how forcing them to finish their meal, had an impact with starving kids in Africa.

This is a difficult commandment to follow because it requires critical thinking from underdeveloped humans and no one expects them to get all decisions right all the time. But if the outcome of this teaching is that children become more skeptical of the bullshit most old people spout, because they can’t fathom the advancement of time, then this might prohibit another incident of too many people taking a badly written fiction novel seriously for over two thousand years.

#6 – You shall not be a huge dick

Some people might argue that the commandment “don’t kill other people” is not in dire need of an update. But those people are wrong.

Not killing other people is a helpful way to keep the human population growing; however, it is also weird that we had to write that down. While there was a time where murder was the most popular go-to solution to all your problems, nowadays, we don’t need a commandment for that. Instead, we have murder charges set in place in all civilized countries. People figured it would be easier to enforce the rule “don’t kill people” by adding “or else you’ll go to jail”. Quite the revelation that made the commandment obsolete.

Besides, “don’t be a huge dick” covers a much broader sector. It can easily include not to kill people, since that would be a dick move, bro. Furthermore, it takes care of all the other things people seem to forget about: don’t be rude to people in retail (they’ll just make fun of you later anyway), don’t take up two seats in a crowded bus, don’t blast your music through your speakers even though you clearly have headphones, don’t play the follow/unfollow game on twitter, don’t force your archaic beliefs onto others…just don’t be a huge dick.

#7 – You shall not send unsolicited nudes

We tend to think of “adultery” as “cheating on your spouse”, but back when women didn’t get the chance to pitch their opinions about things happening to them, this commandment referred to it as broadly “don’t squish your funky parts together until a sexually repressed old dude says you’re good”. Certainly, this commandment had been outdated for a long time since there are only a few purists who still follow the rule that sex is the devil’s work unless you both have matching jewelry. Most of us have moved on into the modern world and accepted that two consenting adults (or more if you want to get freaky) should be able to do to each other whatever they please without the prerequisite of being bound until death by threat of damnation.

That’s why the updated version, instead of shaming those who agree to bonk their shlonks, would be to condemn unsolicited advances. Specifically advertisements of one’s body parts that could be considered as “a bit much” as a conversation starter. If this seems difficult to follow or appears to have a massive grey area, here are some shortcuts:

  • If you just texted “Hi” and they replied with a similar greeting, it is not time to send them nudes
  • If you asked them whether they would like to see your nudes, and they have not replied yet, chances are they are ignoring your ridiculous request, and therefore it is not time to send them nudes
  • If you asked them whether they would like to see your nudes, and they decline, it is not time to send them nudes
  • If you match on a dating site, but haven’t even started a conversation yet, it is not time to send them nudes

“That’s just ridiculous”, you might say and ask “when am I supposed to share my ever increasing amount of genital photography if not immediately?”

The general rule of thumb to send nudes to another person is to ask for permission first and only send it when permission is granted, or whenever the other party sends you nudes first and you agree to return the favour. This way you can save yourself the embarrassment and others the shock and terror.

#8 – You shall not steal valuable time

You’d think the “comm” in “commandment” stood for “common sense” with all these rules that should be considered basic requirements of a functioning society. Yet, there seemed to have been a time where people were no different than seagulls and just grabbed whatever they found appealing, regardless of ownership. And thus, the original eighth commandment “keep thou filthy paws off thy neighbour’s donkey” was created. Similar to the murder rule, we have laws in place for theft and robbery that keep enough people in check to determine we’re good on that commandment.

What the law enforcement lacks, however, is proper punishment for people who steal your precious time. The act of stealing someone’s time occurs when the deviant attempts to spend several minutes or longer conversing about a subject the other person didn’t want to hear about. Victims of this vile act are often those working in retail as they have no way to escape the unnecessary conversation. Obliged by the mandate of being polite to customers, retail workers become trapped in the vortex of small talk with complete strangers about the most boring topics. Even stores that aren’t as busy don’t need every single customer that walked in to testify on behalf of the weather. Oblivious to the clerk’s inner expression of “get the fuck out of here already”, customers seize to understand that maybe people who are at work have shit to do. When you turn a retail worker desperate enough to get back to work, you know you’ve committed a serious offense.

Time thieves aren’t all predators lurking in the cages of retail workers. They exist outside as well, where the danger of encounter is amplified thanks to their stealth tactics. These monsters approach unassuming passersby with a smile and a friendly greeting. When you least expect it, they seize your time with ludicrous ideas, like how great it would be to die and get sent to church camp for eternity. Time may be a made-up concept, but we couldn’t make up enough time to deal with that bullshit.

#9 – You shall not post your gossip on the internet

Look, whether we like to gossip or not, we certainly did it for all of our existence. So it too happened in the days of rags and robes when the ninth commandment read “don’t talk shit about your neighbour’s goat”.

The thing is, gossip is hard to stop and is only enforced by law when it becomes libel. This is when lies are published in writing and can actually ruin someone’s reputation. Surely, at this point this includes public posts on the internet and could be treated like the other commandments that are obsolete due to law enforcement. But the difference is that, if you squint at it, this new commandment is here to protect the perpetrator and not the victim. Gossip can be harmless; a guilty pleasure, so to speak, if it’s not applied maliciously. Sometimes you meet a person that is spouting such ridiculousness, that you need to vent your incredulity to another. Not to ruin the person’s reputation or diminish the worth of their existence, but to simply reassure yourself that you’re not the one who’s disillusioned.

Beware, though, that posting a call for reassurance like that on social media or anywhere on the internet with your name attached, is a dangerous game. You might awaken the wrath of millions of people defending the illusion of immortal bird-people extremely concerned about judging your personal lifestyle.

If you follow the updated commandment and refrain from commenting on, for example, the idiocy of religion, you can avoid their empty threats of supernatural post-mortem punishment.

#10 – You shall not base your life on the swag of others

All things considered, when God was done damning all to hell who didn’t pay enough attention to him, he had a pretty decent idea of how to live a happy life. Most of the content on page two of the stone tablets were guidelines to not be an asshole, which is why all they needed were small tweaks to become modernized. The same goes for the final commandment, as the original roughly translated said “don’t get horny for your neighbours Lambo” (or was it lamb?). Who cared if Joseph next door had a bigger hut, a pregnanter wife, and a couple fewer lice in his beard? This commandment forced you to not judge your own worth based on the life of another, and even in this day-and-age we need a guideline like that.

Some people get a head start through luck and privilege, others get to the top through hard work. Some people find their calling as soon as they stop shitting their pants, others need to test the fields until they stumble upon the thing they excel at. We all work in different ways, at different speeds, with varying desires and values that guide us through life. It would be insane to base your own worth on the success of a few others. Just like it would be crazy to believe that two thousand years ago someone came up with the definitive answer to what happened after we died, even though we are still discovering corrections for even the most minor misconceptions.

And sure, not everyone can make it to the top, but it doesn’t have to happen with the exact same method and tempo, either. Gaining motivation through other people’s swag is nice, so long as you don’t expect to achieve the same results immediately. What’s important is to not give up and keep trying, as long as there is no harm to yourself or others. Because when you just sit there on your knees, with your hands folded, talking to an entity that doesn’t exist, wishing for good fortune to befall you without doing any of the legwork yourself, and expect everything to turn out great for you because you followed these guidelines designed for an era way beyond its expiry date, that’s when you’ve given up.

But hey, at least there’s free wine and wafers, right?


There you have it, the Top Ten new commandments redesigned for the modern life. Are you living your life correctly yet, since there couldn’t possibly be an alternative to this list? How many of the commandments did you think I broke with this post alone? The sixth and eighth come to mind, as well as number nine.

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook to find out how long it will take me to break the seventh rule as well.


1 Comment »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s