Badvice – How to eat on a budget

Eating as an adult is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it’s great that no one can tell you what and when to eat; but on the other, somebody definitely should, because you have no idea what you’re doing to your body.

We tend to go for food that tastes good and you’d think this sounds like a great idea, but apparently all the other adults agree that your diet should consist of more than just pizza and ice cream. Looking at all the nutrition and health blogs makes you feel like you’ve been doing it wrong all your life. You don’t remember eating avocado kale salad when your mom was in charge of dinner, but apparently that’s the only thing that can prevent your body from succumbing to an early, blobified death.

But while reasonable adults want you to eat healthy, the people who sell food sure as fuck don’t. That’s why you can get a whole meal with burger, fries, and sugar-water for a much lower price than a tiny salad. Even when grocery shopping you’ll soon realize that buying fresh produce will eat up your budget faster than you can gulp down a plate of sliders. Not only is it expensive to buy fresh food, it also spoils as soon as you look at its expiry date. On top of that, eating a bell pepper with a spoonful of raw ground beef doesn’t work that well. You’ll need to cook it first, which means you’ll need to figure out how the fuck you’ll combine all those random things you threw in your shopping basket into something resembling a meal. Then you’ll spend hours in the kitchen stirring and cackling as your horrid brew boils and bubbles. That’s a lot of toils and troubles.

Fuck all that. There’s a simple solution to this problem: if you can’t eat like an adult, eat like a twelve-year-old child. Get some good old nostalgia nutrition, because if it didn’t damage your growing body when you were a kid, it can’t be that much worse for whatever the fuck you call your abomination of a physique.

Nothing stays “fresh” longer than frozen food. A pack of chicken nuggets can be your best source of cheap protein. Need some Vitamin C? Last time I checked potatoes got that covered, meaning those French Fries will do the trick. Have some variation and buy a pack of macaroni, this shit is cheap as fuck and can get you way more mac ‘n’ cheese than a KD package. You can’t even call that cooking, you just boil it and throw some cheese in there. That’s right, buy a block of cheap cheddar every week; you can add that to almost anything to make it tasty and still look somewhat classy. With that much processed food in your daily diet, the only thing you’ll need to worry about expiring is your blood cells.

Save money and eat whatever the fuck you want, because when we’re all dead you don’t look that much different from Glutenfree Gavin and Aragula Allison.

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5 Comments »

  1. Bwahaha! This sure gave me a good laugh! I can relate to this sooo hard. I recently started living together with my boyfriend and our budget melts away quickly, even before we got all the food for a week.. Oh boy.. Greatly written piece!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is the most amusing blog post I’ve read so far. Thank you for helping me to justify my terrible eating habits of dining on Ramen, chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, and Toaster Strudels 😂 not together

    Liked by 1 person

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