Versatile Blogger Award 2018
Versatile Blogger Award
- If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award
- Thank the person who gave you the award
- Include a link to their blog
- Select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly
- Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award
- Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself
I have been nominated by two amazing people for this award. The first time was by Laura, it was a while ago and I apologize for the late participation. Recently I also received a nomination from Michael. Thanks a lot to both of you, I hope you don’t mind sharing the stage.
Here are my nominees for the Versatile Blogger Award. Hopefully, they either have not been tagged in this before, or don’t mind doing the same tag again. As the award rules suggest, I have recently discovered these folks and have no regrets:
Alright, enough about other people, let’s talk about me, me, me. Specifically 7 things:
- I’m from…it’s a long story
I was originally born in Russia and I’m not gonna give out the exact location because, really, it doesn’t matter. My family moved to Germany when I was about 4 years old, so I don’t have a lot of memories other than going to school on a unicycle (I’m kidding). Why did my parents move to Germany? Well, on my dad’s side, we were originally Germans. Just like Canada tried to populate their prairies by convincing the Doukhobors and other Russian people to migrate to their country, Russia used the same marketing strategy way before that. They offered farmland to Germans if they were willing to live under the mighty rule of the sickle and hammer. That’s why we were allowed to claim German citizenship when my family returned, since we were technically still German.
I grew up in a small-ass town in the province of Baden-Wurttemberg, and that’s the culture I most identify with. Almost like tradition through generations in my family, I left Germany and immigrated to Canada when I was 20 years old and got pretty comfy here.
- I am Wolverine
Yeah, you heard me. I just said I’m the mutant super hero that has the power of extremely fast regeneration. I will now present the evidence. The first incident happened when I was still in Russia, so I must have been younger than 4 years. My parents wanted to go on a walk and I insisted to ride my tricycle. If you know me now, imagine how annoying I must have been before I learned social restraint? So of course my parents gave in and let me ride my trike. We went through a woodsy area and walked along a boardwalk bridge. There was a turn in the bridge that, which the way I depict it in my mind makes no fucking sense; but then again, this was Russia. Being the stupid kid that I was, I couldn’t make the turn, got my wheel stuck on the edge of the bridge, and fell into the creek. Luckily, a large boulder cushioned my fall. I cracked the back of my head. “Explains a lot” hahahaha, shut up. I only needed a few stitches and I was fine.
Cut to Germany, I was a bit older but we were still a bunch of fresh immigrants. So I was maybe around 6 years old, cause I haven’t gone to school yet. My older cousins were playing a game with the kids where they would carry us and swing us around from one location to another. You can tell that we did not have internet back then. And would you know it, I happen to slip out of my cousin’s arms and smash my head on a bedframe; very close to my previous scar. I got stitches again, other than that I was fine.
Fast forward through all of my life and I basically don’t get sick as much as my fellow normal humans. I even had to remove a molar once and then my wisdom tooth grew and replaced it. Just one wisdom tooth, on the exact side I had space left. Was it a wisdom tooth, or was it my tooth regenerating like a motherfucking X-Man? That’s right, I haven’t gotten my wisdom teeth removed and I’m almost 30. I’m either the next step in human evolution or basically Hugh Jackman. Your pick.
- I turned a diet into a lifestyle
I went through two weird cycles in my life. As a kid, I barely ate anything but always had stomach aches. I didn’t realize that the reason for it was me being hungry. In my teenage years I ate like a bear, luckily I was also doing a lot of cardio with soccer and boxing. In my early twenties living in Canada, and with the German health regulation out of my reach, I started gaining weight and at first blamed the government. Then, I thought, maybe it was the secret agenda of the Molemen, hiding in the core of the Earth. Eventually, I realized it was me eating too much and not doing enough exercise to balance it out. I figured I needed to cut something out of my nutrition. In my family, we used to joke that my dad and I had an extra “cake stomach”. After any large meal we’d still have room for dessert, and lots of it, too. I figured if anything, sugar and sweets would be the best choice to cut out. So I did. For the most part, I don’t eat desserts, candy, and chocolate; anything that has sugar in it. I can’t cut it out completely since there’s sugar in some sauces, breads, and alcohol; I need those to function. I don’t have a six-pack because I still don’t workout enough, but I also don’t have any cavities or diabetes and that’s a plus. This is the only thing I could truly stick to for several years. I tried several diets, of which calorie counting was the best one, but in the end I would always go back and make it worse by gorge on food to make up for the starving times. But I haven’t had cake in ages and either lost that special stomach, or had it fuse with my normal one, and that’s why I still eat a lot.
- I never smoked in my life
I don’t want this to sound like I think I’m better than other people, no, that’s what my Wolverine point was all about. But when I mention this, people seem to be genuinely fascinated by it, so I figured it fits in. When I was a kid, I used to buy cigarettes for my dad. He gave me a few coins and I would take my bike to the closest cigarette vending machine and get him his pack of “West”, which was probably a German Marlboro knock-off. I had friends who smoked, a girlfriend who occasionally smoked at the beginning of our relationship, and I got offered to try a few times. But I never felt compelled to give it a go, not even one hit. I was always grossed out by the smell of it and not even peer pressure could convince me otherwise. The same applies to weed or any other substance that doesn’t belong in human lungs.
- I can crack my fingers at will
You might think I’m grasping at straws now, and I am, but at least I do it with a nice crack. I can make all my fingers, my right shoulder, and my left foot crack repeatedly. I do that because the feeling relaxes me and it just happens subconsciously. So much so that I have to be taken out of that trance state by others and reminded that everyone in the library can fucking hear it.
- I know the secret of Rubik’s cubes
A couple years back, I was a security guard at a highly secure vaccination experiment facility. I worked 12-hour shifts, rotating between 4 days on, 4 off, 4 nights on, 4 off. During nightshifts, there wasn’t much to secure as they were no people in the building besides my colleague. If I didn’t want to fall asleep doing nothing in between patrols, I had to bring something with me to entertain myself. So, I figured I try my luck at the popular puzzle Rubik’s cube. After lots of practice during my 12 hour night shifts, I was able to solve the cube within a minute. This isn’t even close to the world’s best records, but pretty good for someone who’s just messing around with it. Eventually I was able to create patterns with the cube. Flower petals, checkered board, and so on. This looked very impressive to non-cubers, but here’s the thing: You are not super intelligent for solving a Rubik’s cube. This is not a puzzle that you need to figure out every time. Once you know the algorithm to solving it, you can apply the same routine every single time. That’s why you get faster at it. It’s not solving a puzzle, it’s following a pattern.
“Well, you’d need to figure out the algorithm first, right? Isn’t that smart?”
Sure, but only if you consider “read and follow the instructions in the packaging” as smart. That’s right, the solution to the puzzle comes with the cube.
If I go missing after this post goes live, it’s because the secret society of the cube found me.
- I can’t not crack a joke
If you follow me on twitter, chances are I’ve commented on a couple of your post with a sarcastic or snarky remark. This is a serious condition I call “being an idiot”, and with me, it seems to be a terminal illness. Meaning I’ll probably die cracking a joke in the worst possible situation.
Being witty (and good looking, but that’s beside the point) can be a curse. I hear someone say something and my mind is immediately racing, finding ways to play with the words presented to me and twist them into something else. It happens automatically and comes out almost effortless. I’ve gotten a few compliments at work for my quick replies to customer’s idiotic comments, but there is a dark side to this: When somebody tells me something tragic from their lives, my mind does not stop looking for connections to piece together a snort retort.
So far, I’ve been able to suppress anything from coming out of my mouth in these situations, but that only creates an awkward “mhm” or “yeah” as a response, which comes across as rude. With people who are closer to me, I manage to get the least offending joke out at the moment, which for the most part (I hope) lightens up the mood a little bit, and doesn’t do too much damage. But one day, I will not able to control my power. One day, the sly fox that sleeps in the burrow of my mind will jump out snarling, and get shot down by a group of hunters.
Ok, I don’t know where that analogy went, other than downhill.
I truly believe my tombstone will read “He just couldn’t shut the fuck up”.
There you go, seven facts about me. This may have been a longer read than most people expected. I will now patiently await the posts of my nominees.