Craft Beer Stories – Ginormous


Gigantic Brewing

Portland, Oregon

Imperial IPA, 8.8 %

I placed the screwdriver into the slits and had to press hard as I turned the screw tightly into place. My hand almost cramped at the last turn; I’ve been at this for too long, but now I was finally done.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I looked down and saw my buddy sipping on his overpriced coffee. He looked annoyed now that he stumbled on my recent project. He just didn’t get it.

“Well, what does it look like I’m doing?”

“You built a giant robot.”

“Guess you figured it out after all”, I started climbing down the ladder.

“But WHY did you build a giant robot?”

“Why do you ask obvious questions, dude?” I was halfway down.

He took a generous sip of his coffee and sized up the enormous man of metal in front of him. Maybe he was impressed by the design. It was inspired by Optimus Prime and Voltron, but without the truck or lion parts.

“I dunno, man”, he finally said. “Not that obvious to me.”

“Ugh, I need it to fight the Kaiju.”

“The fucking what?”

“The giant monster from the sea? It invaded and almost destroyed the entire city?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that thing was still happening.”

I made it down the ladder and wiped my dirty hands with a towel as I approached my friend. He seemed content with my explanation but clearly had a few more questions.

“So what makes you think you’ll need a giant robot to take care of that? Why not let the government do it?”

“Oh, they’ll just try to tax us for it or let insurance companies find a new niche market. Besides, it’s personal. I want revenge.”

“Revenge for what?”

“It wrecked my favourite brewery, and now I have to import beer from the States.”

“We have like ten other craft beer breweries in the city, why not buy from them?”

“Here look at this”, I showed him a 650ml bottle of Gigantic Brewing’s “Ginormous” beer that was sitting on the table next to him. “This will power the mech. I don’t have the time to find four other rainbow coloured friends, or psychically link up with my bestie, so this will do the trick.”

“Pretty small bottle for something called Ginormous.”

I cracked the lid off the bottle and poured the fizz into a tulip shaped glass.

“And how does drinking beer help you power a giant robot?”

“Beer alters the state of mind”, I said as I inhaled the scent of hop, “and an altered mind can change the world around you.”

I took a small sip and nodded as the strong taste of alcohol glided on my tongue. That was expected of such a high powered imperial IPA. To my surprise there was a hint of yeast in the background and the beer only had a slight bitterness to it. I closed my eyes and chugged the rest of it to feel the effects I needed immediately.

I gently placed the empty tulip on the table. When I opened my eyes, I found myself inside my Ginormous Mech. The comfy leather seat squeaked as I reached for the Playstation 4 controller. After a quick calibration test, I activated the jetpack and it was time for take-off.

I flew towards downtown where the giant monster was wreaking havoc. This thing looked like a bipedal shark with thick tentacles for arms. Its thorny whips already destroyed several buildings, but that was about to change.

My mech landed elegantly on top of a grocery store that crumbled from the weight and sudden impact. This got the attention of the Kaiju. I made my robot perform a series of over the top hand motions as I threatened the monster through the speakers. Now it was actually charging right at me. I aimed my mech’s left arm at the Sharkman and waited for the right moment. That moment came exactly when I realized that I did not have the resources to add any type of weaponry to my mech. I splurged all my money on the beer; it was a very expensive bottle.

The Kaiju rammed its body into my metallic suit and we both tumbled down onto the street. The monster than sat up straight, still on top of me, and began whipping the shit out of my giant robot. Sparks were flying inside my cabin. I had to think of something quick or that would have been the last craft beer I drank. The monster slapped its tentacles around the neck of my mech, wrapping them tight around it. This situation was slowly inching its way too close to hentai territory.

I made my giant robot firmly grab the monster’s tentacles and locked the hand mechanism. Then I activated the jetpack since it was the only thing, other than a mini-fridge, that I was able to include with my budget. Unable to escape the robo-grip, the monster flew off with me as we grinded on the asphalt, trashing everything in our way, until we reached a conveniently placed cliff. With the jetpack still activated, we flew for a full minute over the open ocean. I realized the fuel tank was almost depleted and prepared for ejection.

My comfy leather seat shot straight out of the butt-clap of my giant robot suit, back in the direction of the city. I looked behind me and saw the mech and Kaiju still flying, but slowly descending towards the waters. However, their velocity and the smooth shape of the robot’s back were the perfect combination. Instead of splashing into the sea, the mech skipped on the water’s surface like a rock at a father-son beach walk. Both mech and monster were still skipping when I could barely make out their shapes in the distance.

I activated the parachute in my seat as soon as I closed in on my home city. I knew the beast wasn’t defeated, but at least it wasn’t our problem anymore. Besides, the Japanese were much better equipped to deal with that situation anyway.


Rating: One Super Sentai out of Ten



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