Badvice – How to stay in 2018

If anyone says that you can’t stop time from moving forward, punch them in the face. When they are still upset about it the next day, they become living proof of the possibility of living in the past.

While there is no feasible way (yet) to stop our planet’s rotation, you can pause the flow of time for you personally. After all, not everyone is pumped about moving into the year 2019. Sure, this particular year was terrible, but who’s to say it’s not about to get worse? 2017 was a shit-show, creating all kinds of hype for the next year; and so is the likelihood of this annual switch to become a complete disaster. If you prefer to stay in the more familiar clusterfuck of 2018, grab yourself a bowl of tide pods and listen up:

First thing you need to inject into your habits is your 2018 greeting. Show those future loving pricks the very first second you meet them that you have not yet moved on emotionally. No handshakes, no high fives, not even a polite nod. No, you will be greeting everyone you meet with the “Wakanda forever” chest pump. Keep the Marvel cinematics train going by adopting the Thanos snap to say goodbye. Nothing says you’re done with this conversation better than snapping your finger followed by your sudden reclusion to your happy place. And don’t worry about awkwardly running into the same people afterwards, because thanks to the Thanos snap half of them will never talk to you again.

Speaking of not holding conversations with your peers: if there ever is an awkward pause between you and another party but you actually want to stay in their company, don’t be shy to ask them for their personal opinion on whether they hear “Yanny” or “Laurel”. For best results, ensure that the audio you play includes neither of these words while you insist it is definitely one or the other. The debate will be endless.

If there’s any event in 2018 that was completely out of your control but needed to be relived year after year, it’s the royal wedding. Don’t worry, you don’t have to wait for another because there’s always fanfiction. While most of the eligible characters of Britain’s Kingdom are already taken, how wrong could it be to start shipping Will and Kate’s children? They’re gonna be royally marrying someone at some point and there’s nothing problematic with a grown adult dreaming about these kids’ suitable partners. Pick a few favourites you would like to see enter the blue blooded family tree and constantly mention it to the people around you. For example, Elmo from Sesame Street, would be quite popular with the kids. Just don’t post that shit on tumblr; there’s been some, uh, changes.

You know what else wasn’t so great for children? Mass shootings. Turns out, kids aren’t bulletproof, but that hasn’t stopped Americans from testing their favourite bang-bang toys almost every month in the first half of 2018 on school children from all age groups. The upside of these tragedies is that you get to relive your favourite traumatic experiences even if you do take a quick step into 2019. Nothing will be done about it at all. Keep your retro mood up and blast “This is America” by Childish Gambino through your speakers, since there wasn’t any other culturally significant song that came out this year. Yeah, of course, Ariana Grande’s “Thank u, next” was a huge hit, but the message of moving on is clearly not what you’re here for. You’re not gonna grow as a person since you chose to stay in 2018; the year of misery, fear, and doubt. But that’s ok because at least we got some good video games.

That’s right, the year wasn’t all that bad as long as you seek your comfort in the escape of virtual rewards. “God of War” was one of the games of the year and showed those multiplayer loving marketing mules the only thing that’s dead about single player games was the gamer itself on the inside. Let’s not forget that Kratos was the first parent who refused to call his offspring anything other than “boy” long before “Bird Box” came out. There were a bunch of other fantastic games that could keep you grounded in the year of 2018, though none of them have been mashed through the meme grinder quite like “God of War”.

But let’s not forget the main highlight of the year 2018. The only reason you’re here, desperately looking for a way to not end up disappointed in 2019, is because July was the launch of This blog has provided its readers with horrible advice, unnecessarily convoluted beer reviews, passionate letters to video games, and other considerably pointless content that has become a true staple of how horrid the state of this year has really been. Nothing shocked the nations quite like Alex McHotstuff’s controversial view on Christmas, and his yet fruitless attempt at mass assimilation. If you truly refuse to leave 2018 behind, then stick around for more nonsense on this website.

And this it. The ultimate guide on how to stay in 2018. Follow these instructions and you too will become a time travelling legend (although this is more a time travel staycation). However, if you’re caught doing any Fortnite dances in 2019, you WILL be shot on sight.




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