Create Your Own Conspiracy Theory
Are you bored by the truth? Do people always correct your misconceptions with facts? Do you wish there was a way to make up a lie too outrageous to disprove? If that’s the case, then you have been selected by the twelve Alien races to create your very own conspiracy theory!
Conspiracy theories are perfect story telling conventions for those who like to weave fictional tales into real life events. Whether you feel left out of the spotlight during a national tragedy you weren’t a victim of, or simply believe that your hallucinations are the only real answers to everything, conspiracy theories will have your back. Follow this guide so that you too can create an outlandish account which will amass a following of like-minded people unwilling to shave their beards of tangled tall-tales with Occam’s razor.
Before you begin you will need to channel the crazy. Start by questioning everyday occurrences in your life and assume that everything happens for a nefarious reason.
If you’re stuck in traffic, it’s not because a million other people are on their way to work at the same time as you, don’t be ridiculous. It’s obviously the city council controlling traffic flow to capture the heat coming from the underground caves inhabited by Lizard people, which they’ll use to power their doomsday devices.
If your internet connections is slower than usual, it’s not because your PS4, smartphone, coffeemaker, and laptop are all connected to the same Wi-Fi, no, it’s the FBI hacking into your mainframe to find all of your Buzzfeed quiz results. What’s that? The FBI has no jurisdiction in your area because you don’t live in the USA? Well, that’s exactly what they’d want you to think!
Once you have unplugged your dishwasher because it was making a weird sound at night that could only be explained by Obama hiding a microphone in the soap compartment, you can move on to creating your very own conspiracy theory.
These are the things you need to consider when crafting a compelling scheme:
Pick a topic that only applies to your problems
If at any point in your daily life something appears to inconvenience you, then this is the perfect setting for your conspiracy theory. Somebody put a target on your back and it’s up to you to point it out. It doesn’t matter that most of the people you’re telling this don’t experience the same issues or refuse to attribute their problems to a greater evil at work. They are just a herd of sheep, following rules created for the sole purpose of harvesting their life-juice to fuel stranded ships from another dimension. It totally makes sense if you just think about it.
Don’t let facts discourage you
At any point during you’re conspiracy theory, some people might try to disprove your points by mentioning various real and accurate facts contradicting everything you have said so far. While that may be a bummer, facts can’t stop a true conspiracy theorist. The best defense against haters presenting evidence is to tell them that all public knowledge of history and science is manufactured to fool the masses. How else would you explain that everybody spreads butter on bread? That’s, like, so universal, it’s fucking weird, man. What if we’d spread bread on butter instead? Would the universe collapse? Is that what the Grey One’s are attempting to stop us from doing? Or could we unlock psychic powers by linking our consciousness with bread in a way that would make it become butter? Think about it, dude, it’s all part of the great plan of a secret society that’s in control of the entire planet. Just don’t question why the existence of that organization seems to be so widely known on the internet, even though they’re meant to be secret and in control of said secret.
Have a back-up plan
If it’s not a conspiracy, it’s ghosts. Keep that in mind. No one can rebuttal against something that doesn’t exist, therefore you will win this argument. Once the ghost hook is planted, hit them with a conspiracy theory that ties the specters into it. Explain how ghosts are travelers from the future that visit us to keep track of and control our progress in order to keep their own timeline intact. That way you can get swivel your way right back into your conspiracy theory.
Connect the dots
A conspiracy theory can only hold up if EVERYTHING makes sense. Never mind that most tiny details would require near impossible coordination from hundreds of fallible human beings and a level of precision that no supercomputer could ever calculate. You need everything to be connected in some way, no matter how far you’ll have to stretch to make it happen. And remember, it all started with you. When you were constantly being rejected on that dating app, it was all part of a greater plan that started with you sneezing weirdly inside an elevator and will end in the uprising of a time travelling guerilla unit in Venezuela.
Don’t buy tinfoil
Not only are tinfoil hats a cliché that will ruin your already sheer non-existent credibility, they also make you easier to spot via the observation base located inside of the moon. Don’t let them find you before you get the truth (or your uniquely twisted version of it) out there. Start a blog instead. Once you achieve a following of a few hundred people by fooling them into believing your website is all about your latest participation in consumerism, surprise them with a post about your very own conspiracy theory. Neither your readers, nor the International Yeti Association will see that coming. They can’t make you “disappear” either, since that would only confirm your outlandish claims.
Disappear into the woods
Since they won’t do it to you, you’ll have to take matters into your own hands. No one believes a conspiracy whistle blower who hasn’t mysteriously vanished without a trace. Once you’ve laid the foundation for your conspiracy and thus publicly humiliated your close relatives, it’s time to go. Leave everything behind and get off the grid. This isn’t “laying low” for a few weeks; you’re disappearing into thin air, never to be seen again. The downside is you won’t be able to check your conspiracy’s progress; but on the upside, the rest of us won’t have to deal with your shit anymore.
This is it. The best way to create your own conspiracy theory. Insane theories are being mass-produced every day, so why not make one from scratch and be your own local lunatic instead? Let me know about your most radical ramblings; I promise I won’t snitch to the Mole-Men.