Badvice – How To Nail A Date
Valentine’s Day is closing in and you’re the same sad slab of sulk as last year. Your efforts of finding a suitable mate for any of the more legitimate holidays have been fruitless, so now you’re scrambling for sexy success during the countdown to February 14th. As we all know, that is the only time of the year when human beings are capable of falling in love, and if you miss the deadline you will have to wait another 365 lonely days to find a partner. Nature is whack.
Don’t worry, dudes, I have just the right guide for you to not only find a prospective partner but also nail your performance during the mating ritual known as “date”.
You, too, ladies. Stick around for a quick and easy walk-through of the best way to deal with a male suitor.
DISCLAIMER: As a privileged, straight, white male I have no experience of anything outside the “traditional” dating scene and will therefore refrain from even attempting to pretend I do. Grab some popcorn, though, if you’re curious.
FOR THE BOYS
I know what you’re thinking, guys. You just wanna get laid with the least amount of effort. Well, that’s not gonna happen and you know it, or else you wouldn’t need to look up a last minute guide on how to nail a date. Time to shape up and get some facts straight about yourself and your non-existent love life.
First of all, none of the girls you know like you. If that wasn’t the case, you would have already secured a date. But now you will need to find someone unfamiliar with your lack of personality and overabundance of flaws. No, you won’t be hiding your negative attributes, you’re just pushing them into the darkest corner of your existence. Your potential mate will eventually stumble upon this impressive collection of undesirable traits, but if you’re lucky that will happen long after she’s invested too much time in you to straight up quit. She’ll likely see it as a challenge to change you. Ha! Change you! The fool.
However, asking a stranger out on a date can be risky for you as well. You don’t know anything about her besides her obviously attractive appearance. “Love at first sight” is just fancy talk for “damn, you fly”; therefore, physical attraction is a prerequisite for any successful mating ritual and you don’t need to feel bad about being extremely superficial in your first selection round.
Still, if things work out well between you two, you’re gonna deal with her for the next 3-8 months before she finally dumps you for a happier and more fulfilling life as a single woman. So it’s better to make this time comfortable for you as well by choosing the right match based on more than just her good looks.
Time for some research!
Stalk her on social media
Technically, it’s not stalking if her profiles are public or she accepts your follow requests. Uploading information to the internet is an invitation to invade her virtual privacy, as long as you keep it civil. This is the best way to really get to know her. Why let her fill out a biased profile on a dating website when you can see her true daily habits, likes, dislikes, and likelihood of falling for fake news articles by only reading the headlines right here in her public diary? Everything you need to know is there, only vaguely veiled by several filters. If she’s the right candidate for your desperate attempt at fluid exchange, you can take the next step.
Just ask her out, dude
I get it. Rejection sucks. But you know what’s worse? Not taking a chance in the first place and then whining about it. Just like with job interviews, you need to send out those resumes and deal with the fact that 98 percent of them will either say “no” or not reply at all. I mean, how could they possibly reply to each of the hundred requests they get every day? But all it takes is endurance. Just keep applying for that position until one of your chosen subjects agrees to an interview.
The only time this job application metaphor could go wrong is when you decide to secure another girl first before you give your current partner two weeks’ notice.
Nail the date
Damn right, this is all just one step. The date is set, the girl is mildly convinced to attend; what could go wrong? Absolutely everything if you don’t pay attention, of course!
If you utilized your stalking research properly, you would have picked a location that is most suitable for your Valentine’s mate. But there are certain mistakes men still make in this day and age that are very easy to avoid:
- Don’t pick her up. She’s an adult and can get to the date on her own. Whether it’s by driving herself, calling an Uber, or taking public transit. I bet this isn’t the first time this girl had to figure out a way to get from A to B, so why patronize her by offering to car pool? If she asks you to pick her up, politely explain that there is no room for a second person on your beaten up bicycle.
- Whether it’s food or entertainment, only pay for your own bill. What? Are you some rich stock broker all of a sudden or are you still working minimum wage in retail? You know you can barely afford that shit for yourself and not being able to pay rent this month won’t make her fall for you any faster. You don’t think she can take care of her own bill? Look at her, she’s got her shit figured out. Believe it or not, women are able to have their own banking accounts nowadays, and this is the perfect way for you to showcase your awareness of her financial freedom.
- Don’t think she’s sending you signals. Playing with her hair, touching her neck, moistening her lips; men used to classify all this as Morse code for “fuck me” and that might just be the reason why they get so confused when a woman claims she’s being sexually harassed. None of that shit should guide your approach. She’s playing with her hair cause she’s bored, she’s touching her neck cause she sweats a lot in that area, and she’s not moistening her lips, she just got some pesto chicken stuck in her teeth. Leave her be, man. You trying to fart quietly doesn’t have any deeper meaning either, so maybe pay more attention to her than her subtle tics.
If you follow the above instructions you will have successfully lowered your expectations. Only when you expect sex in return for a nice date (you know, since she sent you aaaalll of those signals) will you become in danger of turning into a “nice guy” and fail in your quest for love. That’s the kind of guy that does all sorts of nice things for women and expects intercourse in return. You’ll need to avoid that. One dip into nice guy territory could permanently scar your ego and prohibit any positive outcome in future encounters.
Now here’s is the tricky part of this guide: if low expectations raise the likelihood of you nailing your date, and this guide teaches you to have those low expectations which will increase your chances of success, then won’t knowing this information automatically raise your expectations and thus lower your chances? Dude. This shit is like the bro equivalent of a Confucius quote. Someone better slap that on a throw-pillow and post it on Pinterest.
That’s the best help you can get as a guy if you need to desperately turn your Valentine’s Day into a wild nature documentary. So let’s see what’s in stock for the other side of the conquest.
FOR THE LADIES
Hey girls, it’s time to give you some awesome tips if you’re just realizing that you don’t have a date for Valentine’s and somehow believe you need to change that. Most of you will already be flooded with requests from all the guys who read the first part of this post. But whether you’re pulling a random name out of your DM’s or think of actively seeking out your future Prince Charming, there is one important thing you will need to consider:
And that’s all for this Valentine’s Badvice on how to nail a date. You might as well start planning ahead and read up on how to get over a breakup. Trust me, you’ll need it.