Badvice – How To Celebrate Your Birthday

Other people’s birthdays are great. You get to go to a party, get rowdy, and leave with no intention of helping to clean-up the aftermath of your rampage. It’s your own birthdays that suck the fun out like a discount hooker on their first day. Here are three reasons why your birthday is the worst thing that ever happened to you, and how to fix it, so that you can celebrate your birthday better.

Congratulations around every corner

Oh great, Auntie Agnes figured out how to read Facebook notifications and now she’s seen your birthday reminder pop up on her daily stroll through a feed full of clickbait and propaganda. How nice of her to take some time out of her busy schedule to message you exactly once a year with nothing more than “happy birthday”. Gee, you sure put a lot of effort into that message, Agnes. Brings a tear to my eye.

You’ll see that a lot on your birthday. People you barely know existed suddenly remember that you do, too. Instead of doing you the kind favour of ignoring you, they give you that lazy “happy birthday” greeting, displaying both that they noticed and they don’t really give a shit.

“Did I just overhear somebody say it’s your birthday? Don’t mind me, a fellow stranger, to chime in and declare to wish you a happy day of your birth as well. What’s that? That didn’t impact your life in the slightest? Now, that’s not true at all; at the very least it inconvenienced you for a second and made the rest of the conversation awkward, if there even was any.”

Birthdays, in a sense, are similar to funerals. No one leaves you in peace until every last fuckwad that had the slightest interaction with you had a chance in the spotlight. At least at your funeral you won’t have to listen to it.

How do you fix that? Murder?

No. You know how many people will remember your birthday once you deleted that information off the internet? Probably not even your mom. You don’t have to block anybody, simply setting your date of birth to private will eliminate anyone from patting themselves on the back for posting a two-word message on your public feed. Here’s a hint, people: if all you have to say is “happy birthday” after ten others have already said it, the person already got the memo and your input is not required.

 

Expectations and Invitations

“What are you gonna do for your birthday? You gotta do something special. Are you gonna throw a party? You gonna host at your place? Start a group chat so we can all get hyped. You getting hyped? You should be hyped. It’s your birthday, gotta go all out. Am I invited?”

Fucking.

Chill.

Look, I get it. Back in the days, where survival beyond childbirth was a goddamn miracle, being able to stand up straight after a whole year of living the worst life ever was great cause for celebration. Any birthday could have been your last. But when you have a full-time job, responsibilities, your own hobbies, and absolutely no intention to ever meet another human being again, your birthday ain’t so special. Sure, you might treat yourself to some more fancy Chinese take-out, or buy yourself an expensive trinket you always wanted; but this isn’t going to be a life changing day either since you’ve been using any small inconvenience to treat yourself every day so far.

Tough day at work? Get some ice cream.

Got all the chores done? Let’s order pizza, you earned it.

It’s your birthday and no one remembers because you set the date to private? Well, nobody’s gonna buy you that sweet video game, so you might as well just get it yourself.

But no, everyone expects you to have a mind-blowing experience because you miraculously survived a whole year in the most comfortable era in human history. I mean, the Wi-Fi was wonky at times, but you lived to tell the tale, and that’s all that matters. If you ever mention you have no plans for your birthday, the sad-emoji-tsunami sent your way will drown you in virtual tears. Wow, ignoring your birthday sure diminishes your value as a human being in the eyes of your peers.

How can you avoid all that shit?…Murder?

That would be effective, but no. Remember how we talked about not disclosing your date of birth to the public? Well, guess fucking what, your friends will be able to go through the entire year and not even for a second wonder when your birthday is. They have to worry about their own lives and you are nothing but a lowly side-character in their epic drama.

If one of them happens to ask about your birthday, simply because they were talking about their own and thought it would be rude not to ask, you can tell them it already happened. Even if your birthday was tomorrow, that would still be technically true, because of how time works. This way in all likelihood the only two people you care about will know your secret. They won’t tell anyone either because, and I can’t stress this enough, in reality no one truly gives a shit. They just feel obligated to do so on the actual day.

 

No one truly gives a shit about your birthday

Ah yes, the solution and cause of all your problems. Indeed, if no one knows when you celebrate your birthday, they won’t ask to make sure they find out, remember, and celebrate it for you. There might be a few annoying people like that, but that’s where murder is your only option. For the vast majority, silence will suffice. Yet, this is also the origin of your problem. Since no one truly gives a shit about your birthday, it makes these obligatory messages, and calls for celebration so meaningless. Therefore, you resort to shutting yourself off from this tradition. You can’t break your vow of cynical silence even once, for they might mark it on their calendars and disturb your peace in the future.

So I’m just gonna be sad and alone for the rest of my life just cause I don’t want to be bombarded by spam from people I barely care about?

First of all, being alone isn’t the same as being lonely.

Secondly, no. This is a fucking guide and I have a solution, just, ugh, gimme a second, geez.

Become a Jehovah’s Witness. Wait, I’m serious. They don’t celebrate their birthdays and since it’s a religion, while be it a whacky one, everyone will be morally obligated to respect your beliefs. I mean, they’re gonna make fun of you behind your back, but chances are they’re already doing that anyway.

And here’s the best part: Being a Jehovah’s Witness means that it is now your turn to annoy the shit out of everyone else. Knock on their doors at the most inconvenient times possible and get the word out about whatever the hell your people think is the one true answer to life. No need to read the script either. No one’s gonna quiz you on that.

 

Now go! Follow these helpful instructions and don’t listen to anyone telling you how to celebrate your birthday.

 

…wait, no, listen to ME, though!

 

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5 Comments »

  1. lol though I do really appreciate birthday messages, I never understood the emotionless “happy birthday” posts…like can you at least give me an emoji or my name? You’re taking the time to write on my Facebook wall…but you can’t give 2 more seconds of effort to make it seem more genuine or 10 more seconds to maybe make it a little more personal? It’s not that hard.

    One of my favorite moments on Parks & Rec is when Leslie freaks Ron out because he doesn’t like people to know and make a big deal out of his birthday, but in the end she gives him the perfect birthday present for him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You weren’t lying in your Blog Party post, you definitely got snark and sarcasm dripping in your posts, but it’s an authentic and memorable voice for sure! I know it’s silly, but I enjoy the random spam of birthdays (maybe they don’t mean it, okay yea, most of them don’t mean it), but hey among all that dung, there are a few sincere comments brought out by the birthday fever.

    Liked by 1 person

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