Badvice – How To Be The Best Blogger

If you’re a blogger whose existence has been acknowledged by the 2019 Normal Happenings Blog Awards, then congratulations are in order.

What’s that? Nobody congratulated you? That’s probably because you didn’t win in any of the five major categories and don’t deserve the approval of your peers. But don’t beat yourself down yet; wait until after your domain payment expired.

Alternatively, there is still time to turn things around and become the best blogger by following these simple steps.


Step 1: Be a cute girl

A good work ethic, talent, patience, perseverance, and a positive attitude towards reaching realistic goals doesn’t pop so well on the internet. But you know what does? Being a cute girl. After all, you can’t attract readers when you yourself are not attractive. People may not ultimately judge a book by it’s cover, but they sure as fuck are more willing to at least check out the synopsis of it if the front page isn’t covered in dude-sweat. Do yourself a favour and be a cute girl instead of whatever the hell you think you’re going for right now.

If you’re a cute girl, your work to become the number one blogger is done. However, there is still hope for those of us who cause cracks on every reflecting surface.


Step 2: Find a niche and regret it

Remember how you had to make your future career decision when you were likely still going through puberty? Yeah, let’s do that again but with blogging. Even if you’re just starting out you’ll already know that it is important to have a specific niche. This is gonna be the one topic you’ll be writing about for the rest of your life, unless you want to risk losing followers with a sudden re-branding. Writing about something you love or are an expert in might seem like the perfect fit at first, but how are you gonna tie in your obscure ferret fun facts with J.K. Rowling’s latest Harry Potter fanfiction in order to stay relevant? You’ll be better off choosing between the only three valid blogging categories of “Beauty”, “Books”, or “Failure”.


Step 3: Engage with your community

If someone creates a blog in a forest and no one knows about it, does the blog even exist? First of all, don’t go to the forest. This is the 21st century and I’m pretty sure “the woods” is outside of Domino’s delivery service. We did not evolve our comfortable lifestyle as a civilization to hang out among dirt and bugs while slowly waiting to die of boredom. And second, don’t just sit there and wait until your blog gets views; you need to engage with the community for them to even know you exist. Create a twitter account and connect with as many other people as you can stomach, and then say goodbye to your real social life because you’ll be scrolling through your twitter timeline for the rest of the day. If you’re lucky, somebody will take pity in your embarrassing attempts at subtly promoting your brand by providing snarky commentary to people who, unlike you, are creative enough to come up with their own original tweets.

Don’t forget to actually write blog posts every now and then or else people will forget what exactly it is you’re doing. Try to balance your day job, fitness routine, hobbies, and real life responsibilities in a way that will end up with you doing none of those things and focus solely on blogging after all. Once you realize that you have no such thing as an audience and you’re just a bunch of pals reading each other’s diaries, you’re ready for the final step in becoming the best blogger among all of the five internet friends you talk to on a regular basis.


Step 4: Create your own Custom Blog Award

Now that you’ve established that you’re either a cute girl or you connected with others who share your ugly pain, it’s time to pat yourself on the back for something your friends and co-bloggers don’t actually think you’re all that great at. Your blog might be such a clusterfuck of “things it may or may not be about” that you will never be able to score a legitimate blog award such as the one hosted by Normal Happenings. But not all hope is lost. In this outlaw world of the wide web no one actually governs over blog awards. It turns out those can be handed out as carelessly and without fear of repercussion as copyright claims on Youtube.

And if anyone deserves a custom blog award made up all by myself, it’s me. This is why, based on posts such as the Versatile Blogger Award, Blogger Recognition Award, and Sunshine Blogger Award, I like to present with the Badge of “Most elaborate responses to tags and blog awards”.

Congratulations to me for meeting my own requirements.



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